Rolling with it....

I have goten to a point in my life where I am tryig to figure my steps forward. I am thankful to where I am. I am loving my CPE program and all the very special fellow chaplains, staff and patients that have shown me so much...that has helped me evolve. I have envolved into a woman whos skin is solid safe in my own solidtude...being surrounded by those that care too. I want to follow Jesus back to where I know my heart is callin me to...that place is Honduras again. I had a dream the other night that I had a small house with chickens in the yard, my own garden. I was an old woman. I had a significant other yet they were no longer with me....I realized in my dream that I am to return one day to Honduras and OLR for a much longer period of time, in some aspect...yet I am asking the question is this my time? I would say looking at all my cards on the table...considering where I am at I needt to look at many options...I keep prayin...I know I need to let life happen...let God ....take the wheel...I need to do work around search all options in ministry...
Peace,
Val

CPE continued

So here I am six months into CPE. I did a guided imagery service today on sleeplessness. I am laughing as I am writting this because I am yawning. I think I am ready for a much needed nap. I have a resume to re work as well as placing my last touches on my verbatim due tomorrow. I have really learned so much from this experience and have grown in staning up for myself and being comfortable in my own skin.

When I have a minute to ponder life....I often think of what will I feel like, six months from now as my year long residency is ending? Who knows where God will be taking me...another chaplaincy program, back to Honduras to OLR?? I am looking forward to July 2010 and being able to have some time to preach at St. Mark's Episcopal Church in East Longmedow and other parishes in the Diocese of Western MA. I spoke with Bishop Scruton about a month ago and we had an inspirational talk about what I wanted to do after my chaplaincy year is over. The question as to where is the spirit moving me? Where God do you needed me? Yet I am working on enjoying where I am now in the present moments that are presented by creator each day. I will wait and see.......
Peace,
Val

In my CPE unit I am setting up my learning goals. So here are some of my thoughts that have come to mind.

Goal One (in a nut shell) Pastoral Formation

Goal Two (-) Awareness of Self

Goal Three(-) Function

I have been continuing to struggle to find my role within minister or what I should say is claiming my authority in my own right. I have encountered in my chaplaincy of the question of How old are you? How long have you been a minister? I find that I am stumped...not knowing how to answer them without being on the angry side of expressing how I feel. I wish others could stop questioning me and accept my role. I know that one that my mirror held in front of me has show that I have to claim my authority and walk with confidence. This is a continuing process. I have found that I have gotten much better at working with staff at the hospital. I know that I am still young within my field of work and should give myself some room to grow. I also want to get a growing awareness of self and how to carry myself as a whole in all aspects of my life in and out of work.

I realize also that I needed to let so much go....drop it off on the side of the road and move onward. The things I hope to let go of before February 2011.....? This will be when I graduate from my CPE experience. I hope to let go of the fear of being alone as in (single) realizing that I am surrounded by love that within and in community , to face my own mortality head on...write a living will, plan for my funeral, let go of material items that I no longer need, (give more away), The worry of what others think of me, What I hope to take on by February 2011 To laugh more, forgive others yet not take the others treating me like doormat either, get another tattoo from my own artistic creation, create art more.., relax and hang with friends and family dance more, We will see what develops.

Peace,

Val

CPE Experiencia

So I have completed my secod unit of CPE. I have now started my third unit. I find that I am growing more than I could ever imagine. It is so hard when a mirror is held right to your face and you take a good look at all the not so great stuff about yourself. In that you learn that nobody can hold power over you unless you give your power away. I have learned to try to get rid of the word NICE and embrace the word BOLD!! I am evolving as I was when I was in Honduras....the woman in me is finding a voice in self and ministry. I have held dying babies, witnessed grieving in its rawest form...it has humbled me to the core and I still have some many more expreinces to be witness to and forever changed. Thank you those that read my thoughts...It is healng to place them out there.
Paz del Senor,
Val

Returning to Honduras

I have had so much time to think about my experience in Honduras. I have found that I have grown so much as a person from the mission work I was a part of with Our Little Roses Ministry. I have been wanting to return with my whole heart. Yet, I also realize that I need so much more expreince in ministry to return with. Mission work is the most amazing expereince in life. It takes your whole being to be there in the many moments that present themselves. As a young priest I am aware of the fact that the mission expereince can leave you out there like a loan ranger. SOme might think the political climate in Honduras would keep me from wanting to be there. Yet the mission of Our Little Roses is a safe place to be. I loved my co-workers,the fellow volunteers and the most important were the girls or las damas! I believe that God wants me to return in the future there is no doubt about that. I just need to figure out the growth the learned expereince in other options in ministry. I left knowing that the girls will be forever taken care of by the awesome sponsours and the groups. Do the girls trully need me? I think so..yet I am on the fence with when I should return. The money is so much 10 thousand to raise yet that can happen God can provide that with some momentum from my part and a few preachng opportunties. When I shared about the ministry with my mother's high school students you could feel, hear and taste the passion for the mission work and the awesomeness of OLR and all the miricles that have occured and continue to occur each day. I felt while I was there I was hiting so many walls that could not be pushed through. I felt so burn out by the end of my year. I long to get the resources on not burning out. I am not a help to anyone if I am strung out. I have applied to many hospital chaplain positions for next year. I had a very positive experience in CPE summer unit it was as hard or equal to my expreince in mission work yet I felt like a struture was in place to be able to process the experiences that are hard to deal with. I don't expect any mission organization to have those supports in place to process in a specific manner. Assistant rectorships and freash start programs in various diocese for starting clergy are set up to help new clergy. OLR is about the #1 focuss the girls and their care and I honor that with the deepest part of my being. I was able to process with the personel from the national church and some of my fellow volunteers yet for the volunteers they are going through their own processing of the journey. I will keep all posted about what my heart, mind and soul have diserned about when I will return not if.....that will happen some day...thank you for all your prayers of love and support. Peace, Valerie

Regroso Return

I have been back for the past three months from my mission work in Honduras. Yo tuve regresarse el pasado tres meses de mi traja de mission en Honduras. Me extrano mis amigos y las chicas de hugar y la escuela Santa Familia. Donde fui la maestra.I miss my friends and the girls of the home and the school Holy Family. Where I was the teacher. Yo estoy buscando para trabjar en la igelisa o la hospitals aqui. I am looking for work in the church or the hospitals here. Yo tuve feliz cuando aparte el confrencia de la igelisa national 815 con mis amigos de mission. Nos trabajamos en mission el pasado ano. I was happy wen I was apart of the confrence of the national church 815 with my friends in mission. We worked in mission the past year. Yo vivo en Springfield MA ahora cerca mis tios. I live in Springfield MA near my aunt and uncle. Yo tengo problemas con fe'en el futuro porque hay mucho gente no tienen trabajan ahora pero yo se'Dios tiene un mission para me se' este! I have problems with faith in the future because there are alot of people who have no work now but I know God has a mission for me I know this. Yo espero mucho tener trabaja en la igelisa Latino de Episcopal...porque me encanta espanol y la comunidad de Latino. I hope alot to work in the Lation Episcopal church because I love Spanish and the Latino Community. Yo espero escribir mucho sobre mi emotions y sobre mi trabaja en el ministero NPR Nuestras Puequenas Roeses. I hope to write more about my emotions and about my work in the ministry Our Little ROses. Adios para ahora....bye for now. Gracias parat todo...Thanks for everyone.

Este Dia

Hoy yo limpie' mi cuarto muy temprano en la manana. Yo espero estar aqui praxima ano. Yo pensare' lo major. Este experiencia estuvo muy intresante. Yo aprendi mucho sobre todos en mi vida. Yo espero trabajar mucho con las ninas en el hugar. Yo estare' mucho aperender sobre mi ministero esta aqui en Honduras. Yo estoy feliz fui aqui para este ano.

Today I cleaned my room very early in the morning. I hope to be here next year. I think it will be best. This experince has been intresting. I have learned so mucho about everything in my life. I hope to work more with the girls in the home. I am going to learn so much about my ministry here in Honduras. I am happy I was here this year.